The Worry Came Instantly...

I am constantly filled with worry for my oldest daughter, Ash. It all began at 20 weeks into my pregnancy when I was hospitalized and put on strict bed rest due to premature labor.

It was a very difficult pregnancy but the delivery was even worse. I won't go into details but let's just say I didn't get to hear that initial cry until after Ash was intubated and worked on for a couple minutes. She was six weeks premature (which to some people does not sound that early) and needed special care in the NICU. I was overwhelmed with worry.

Ash at 10 hours old

Ash grows with strength and beauty each year and so does my worry. Was it all kick started with that first perinatologist who asked me if I knew that I was having contractions (and I didn't...I thought it was just Ash moving around)? Or was that just a sign from above to prepare me for what was in front of us?

Ash is cautious and reserved. She is not that girl who will go first in line...even if you push her to. I worry she will miss out on things because of this.

Ash is shy and quiet. She is not that girl who will go out of her way to make friends at a park. She is content on playing alone instead of taking the risk in asking someone to play in the chance that they may tell her no. I worry that she will be lonely.

Ash is always looking for reassurance. She is not that girl who will just sign up to join the newest club or sport at school without thinking about it. She needs to hear from us (mommy & daddy) that she can do it first. I worry that she will look to the wrong people for guidance and not trust in herself.

Ash is comfortable taking out her day to day frustrations on me. She is not that girl who will misbehave in class, on a play date or during sports practice (thankfully). She is that girl who brings anything that is bothering her home and dumps it on me. I know that is what she is supposed to do but living in it every day is hard...very hard. I worry that this will only bring division between us and not closeness.

Ash on the day of her First Communion

In between the worry, I vent, I laugh, I scream, I ask to hold her hand, I cry, I watch her, but most importantly...I keep loving her with all the strength that I had on November 20th at 20 weeks when they told me I might lose her. I will keep loving her with that strength and worrying just as much until long after I take my last breath.

Ash, I fought so hard to get you here. I don't ever want to lose you...

I am once again linking up with Shell at Things I Can't Say for her wonderful Pour Your Heart Out. Stop by and read how she pours out her heart about why she doesn't like being a soccer mom. There are also other great bloggers who are linking up with her too!