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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Worry Came Instantly...

I am constantly filled with worry for my oldest daughter, Ash. It all began at 20 weeks into my pregnancy when I was hospitalized and put on strict bed rest due to premature labor.

It was a very difficult pregnancy but the delivery was even worse. I won't go into details but let's just say I didn't get to hear that initial cry until after Ash was intubated and worked on for a couple minutes. She was six weeks premature (which to some people does not sound that early) and needed special care in the NICU. I was overwhelmed with worry.

Ash at 10 hours old
Ash grows with strength and beauty each year and so does my worry. Was it all kick started with that first perinatologist who asked me if I knew that I was having contractions (and I didn't...I thought it was just Ash moving around)? Or was that just a sign from above to prepare me for what was in front of us?

Ash is cautious and reserved. She is not that girl who will go first in line...even if you push her to. I worry she will miss out on things because of this.

Ash is shy and quiet. She is not that girl who will go out of her way to make friends at a park. She is content on playing alone instead of taking the risk in asking someone to play in the chance that they may tell her no. I worry that she will be lonely.

Ash is always looking for reassurance. She is not that girl who will just sign up to join the newest club or sport at school without thinking about it. She needs to hear from us (mommy & daddy) that she can do it first. I worry that she will look to the wrong people for guidance and not trust in herself.

Ash is comfortable taking out her day to day frustrations on me. She is not that girl who will misbehave in class, on a play date or during sports practice (thankfully). She is that girl who brings anything that is bothering her home and dumps it on me. I know that is what she is supposed to do but living in it every day is hard...very hard. I worry that this will only bring division between us and not closeness.

Ash on the day of her First Communion

In between the worry, I vent, I laugh, I scream, I ask to hold her hand, I cry, I watch her, but most importantly...I keep loving her with all the strength that I had on November 20th at 20 weeks when they told me I might lose her. I will keep loving her with that strength and worrying just as much until long after I take my last breath.

Ash, I fought so hard to get you here. I don't ever want to lose you...

I am once again linking up with Shell at Things I Can't Say for her wonderful Pour Your Heart Out. Stop by and read how she pours out her heart about why she doesn't like being a soccer mom. There are also other great bloggers who are linking up with her too!

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At October 19, 2011 at 11:15 AM , Blogger Maren said...

What beautiful words..

I've grown up with kids just like your daughter, the shy, quiet and sometimes reserved ones.. and they have come out of their shell and grown into beautiful, smart and strong women. Just keep on loving her, and she will keep growing. :)

At October 19, 2011 at 12:27 PM , Blogger Robbie K said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. the worry never stops it just shifts.

At October 19, 2011 at 12:35 PM , Blogger DysFUNctional Mom said...

Beautifully written. No matter what, we mamas will find something to worry about. But all kids have their different strengths & weaknesses. I wonder, though, if it would help if she had someone else to 'dump on', like a counselor? Just a thought.
Visiting from PYHO =)

At October 19, 2011 at 12:35 PM , Blogger llawlor said...

Lovely thoughts and a beautiful complex relationship. You will reap the rewards!

I had my second son 5 1/2 weeks early and he was in the NICU for a week. I still worry about him and my first born. Although he is not reserved at all (at home!) I find he is very tentative at times. He takes it all in and makes himself comfortable in time. There is something to be said for being reserved rather than too outgoing:) What a ride it is watching them develop!!!

At October 19, 2011 at 3:46 PM , Blogger Shell said...

I was quiet and reserved growing up. I still have my moments when I'm very much like that. And I think I'm okay. ;)

Such a beautiful post about your daughter!

At October 19, 2011 at 6:45 PM , Blogger Grumpy Grateful Mom said...

My daughter Evie is like that when she's in a group of people. She didn't sing a word in her school program today and she would never dream of asking someone to play. Her greatest fear is that someone will make fun of her.

Though she won't open up about her worries very often with me.

I think this is something she will hopefully overcome someday and when she does I believe it may even make her a stronger person.

At October 19, 2011 at 8:28 PM , Blogger Kim said...

My sister is exactly the way you described Ash, she always has been. She is quiet, reserved, and easily embarrassed. She is also one of the most intelligent and independent women I know. I think Ash vents to you because she trusts you so much. She knows that you won't judge her for her feelings and love her unconditionally. Everything is safe with you. I did the same thing to my mom. You may find that in the end it brings you closer.

At October 20, 2011 at 5:58 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey sweetie. I admire you more than anything in the world for what you had to go through to bring Ash to us. 4 months on bedrest, only allowed to get up to brush your teeth and go to urgent care, not to mention the mgso4. I love you! Sme

At October 20, 2011 at 9:10 PM , Anonymous OneMommy said...

What a beautiful post.
My little girl and I fight more than she ever fights with anyone, and I've worried about how that will affect us, too. But in the end, I think, as long as I love her, and she knows that, in the end it will be alright. And maybe even bring us closer one day.

At October 21, 2011 at 3:15 PM , Blogger Erin said...

I have to say Ash sounds just like me. I was always quite and reserved, not outgoing. I like to observe, listen, and understand people before making my move. History has taught me that making wise decisions has less repercussions then just acting without thinking. I am also an individual who is selective with who I open up to. Never one for having a large crowd of friends, but rather having a few good friends who are always there (Jill). I am much more outgoing now that I am older and have come out of my shell if you will to try new things.

Granted I am not a Mom, so I am offering my insight on being a kid that is like Ash. I do know that journaling has helped me during times where there is a lot going on and not sure if that is something to try to balance out the frustration. I know Aunt Jill probably has a lot of good ideas for journaling. Just a thought.



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